Heavy Days
It’s the third day in a row that I’ve stayed home from work. I can barely manage to get out of bed to shower. I can't stop crying. My stomach hurts; I’m bloated and nauseous. Just a few days ago, I was starving, craving everything, but lately, I feel sick just drinking a little too much water. No food appeals to me. I don’t have my period yet, and I’m not "sick," so what is wrong? Have I become bipolar? Am I depressed? Or just lazy? I tell myself to get a grip. But it hurts physically. It feels physically impossible for me to go an hour without crying. How can I work if I’m like this?
Doubt Takes Over
I’m dreading that meeting in two weeks; everyone will wonder why I’m even there. I don’t know anything. I want a new job. But there’s nothing I want to work with. I’m unsure if I even want to be in a relationship—why would anyone want to be with me anyway? None of my friends like me. It irritates me that they don’t seem to care. Why does nobody love me? Why am I always the last choice? Everyone else has "their people"; there’s nowhere I fit in.
The Body as a Stranger
I hate my body. I don’t recognize myself. How is it possible to feel so much uglier today than I did yesterday? I’ve cancelled two workout classes in less than a week because I feel so weak. Why do I feel exhausted all day, yet when I lie in bed, I can’t fall asleep? The world would be a better place without me. No one’s life is positively impacted by me being here. And there’s really nothing I’m looking forward to. I see other people's lives on Instagram and TikTok and wish I could be them instead. My life feels like nothing; I’m going nowhere.
A Steady Hand
It’s the second day of my period. I’m bleeding quite a bit and I’m in pain. But at least I have the world’s best boyfriend who makes dinner and keeps a warm hand on my stomach when we go to sleep. I live with friends who share painkillers and chocolate, who make me laugh even when I’m stuck on the sofa with cramps. I’m looking forward to the weekend. My heart feels warm just thinking about all the lovely plans I have for the coming month. I must be the luckiest girl in the world to have so many wonderful people in my life. How lucky I am to have a job to wake up to.
When I look in the mirror today, I recognize myself. I actually look quite nice. I feel rested. Last night, I finally slept; I only woke up once. Tomorrow, I want to go to that workout class I like. I was probably just being dramatic last week - PMS is totally normal, after all. It’ll surely be better next time.
From Despair to Diagnosis
This was the typical cycle of the one-to-two weeks before my period, and the first few days of bleeding, before I knew I had PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder). This was my life every single month. I think I’ve had it for years, but between the ages of 24 and 25, it was at its worst. Physical pain, absence from work, poor sleep, anger, fear, stress, and sadness. I felt like I was losing a huge part of every month to dark thoughts and painful emotions. Some months, it felt like half my life was ruined.
One day, I saw a video of someone talking about their cycle with PMDD. "An extreme PMS, where you can become suicidal in the luteal phase." But since I never actually wanted to take my life, I thought I was probably just weak or dramatic. Still, I booked an appointment with a gynecologist because something was wrong, and I wasn't getting help from the doctors I had seen. I brought a note on my phone, a diary from the worst days, hoping for some kind of help.
"This sounds like PMDD symptoms. You shouldn’t have to feel like this for so many days, every single month." Not only did she know what PMDD was, but she acknowledged that it shouldn't be considered "normal" to be in that much physical and psychological pain before a period. "There are treatments that can help." I left that appointment with hope and a prescription for HRT (hormone replacement therapy).
Small Tools, Great Support
Estrogen spray and progesterone pills during the symptomatic days have been my rescue. The symptoms still affect me, and if I can control it, I try not to schedule my biggest or most important plans for the week before my period - but it’s nothing compared to how it was before. I haven't had a single full day of absence due to PMDD since I started HRT, and I now deal with a couple of days of poor sleep instead of a week or more.
I also believe a lot of the relief came from being heard - from someone recognizing the severity of how much these symptoms impacted me, and gaining an understanding of what was happening. Not to medicalize or make excuses, but to set aside all the guilt and shame I had placed on myself. I am not lazy or dramatic. It’s not about "just getting a grip." It is a medical condition that requires medical treatment. It gave me the tools to put into words what is happening and what I need during those days - to myself, to those around me, and at work.
You Are Not Alone
Now I can plan much better and take steps to give myself the best possible starting point in the days leading up to my period. That isn't the time I expect to lift the heaviest at the gym or perform at my peak at work. In the week before the luteal phase, I do what I can regarding practical tasks. I help "PMDD-me" function as well as possible by simplifying things in advance. Then, I can be proud of what I achieve, rather than sinking into what I "can't manage."
So, if you are reading this and recognize yourself: know that you are not alone, and it is not your fault. It’s not something you’re doing wrong, or a lack of effort. You just lost an unfair genetic lottery. But help exists - do not give up until you get the help you need. You deserve to feel like yourself.
Norwegian version of the article is available here.
You can read more about PMDD here.
Do you have a story or experience you would like to share? Write to us at kontakt@femline.no.
Translated to English by Aleksandra Pirnat.
